


Hot Date with a Dead Dame

by loquaciouslass



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AU, F/M, Gore, Humor, Mysterious Leg Woman is not an OC, Silly, zeus is a godamn whore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 00:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8599282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loquaciouslass/pseuds/loquaciouslass
Summary: Zeus gets all the luck with the ladies. The only thing Hades has to look forwards to are mildly interesting ghosts and meeting up with his fellow bad guys. But miracles can happen, as long as 'miracles' are an abomination falling into the Underworld and NOT instantly killing him. Hey, if Zeus can pick up a lady, Hades can too, right?...Right?





	

 

To mortals, the great storms that would occasionally roll in from the Mediterranean were proof of Zeus’ power. The rolling waves pulled lighting strikes that split through the sky as the thunder rumbled like an earthquake deep in their bones, the type heralding a volcano’s eruption. They would bring sacrifices to him during the storms. Sing his praises. Anything to ensure that Zeus’ probable rage would dissipate and the sun would shine once more, preferably with as few deaths as possible. 

To Hades, the storms had a tad more nuance. High winds meant upset. More thunder meant grumpy, and possibly hungry. Lighting strikes crashing across the sky and the heavy roll of thunder, where the clouds parted and spread rain across the land? That was the worst. 

Because, contrary to mortal beliefs, that did not mean Zeus was upset. Oh no. It was far more symbolic than that. 

It meant that Zeus was balls deep in someone. And he wanted every damn god to know about it.

Oh sure, he didn’t do it every time he was banging someone. If he did it every time, Zeus would’ve been long dead. It was only when Hera was safely away that he felt he could declare, “look upon me world, for I am your master, and your master is getting way better tail than you.”

Hades sulked in the Underworld when it happened. No need to torment himself, he thought, usually as he flung fireballs at his minions. There weren’t a whole lot of hotties, down here. Hell, there weren’t even a lot of uglies. The most Hades had to look forwards to was the occasional in-denial soul he could jerk it to. Even Meg wasn’t around anymore.

Hades put his head in his hand and grumbled. The thunder continued to rumble.

Stupid Zeus.

At some point, the rumbling stopped. Hades’ face was still quirked into a scowl, but he felt well enough that he could go for a walk. A walk in which he threw monsters at anything that dared to so much as breathe around him, but it was a walk nonetheless. He’d left Pain and Panic with orders to clean up all the soot in the throne room. So at least they wouldn’t bother him. 

The Underworld was cold; moans of the dead a fine replacement for any northern wind. Cool condensation dripped from the cavern’s ceilings, running an icy finger up any spine that dared to venture into Hades’ world. It was enough to make his shoulder’s drop a little, the chilly temperature pushing his temper down until it weighed on his heart. He checked around, and once he was certain no one was creeping alongside him, he pouted. Hades slumped onto a rock like an actress on a fainting couch, throwing his hands over his face and groaning. 

“What’s Zeusy got that I don’t?” 

The words echoed back, hollow and mocking. Stupid rocks. Stupid empty caves. Hercules may have been Wonderboy, but his dear old dad was definitely the  _ Golden Boy _ . Blessed with everything he could want; love, worship, facial hair and a complete immunity to consequences, apparently. It was  _ not _ fair. The only thing Hades came home to after a hard day of making mischief and being talked down to were the endless caverns and eerie moans from the long dead souls, trapped for an eternity. At some point, he’d moved from being a virile young god, willing to tussle with all sorts of beasts for a good lay to some grouchy man having a crisis, where the only light in his life were the occasional meetings with similarly-minded mortals. And they were too busy dealing with some keyblade kid. 

A fresh pout bloomed on his face. Eventually, the gentle drips would soothe him enough to return to his duty.

Or they would have, if it were any other day after Zeus stuck his dick somewhere that it was fairly likely it wasn’t supposed to go. Instead, the quiet percussion on the choir of the dead became... louder. More like a splat and smack of wet flesh against a butcher’s counter. The choir died away into an aria; one person gurgling some ancient song to themselves in a language so old even the stars had forgotten it. 

Hades sat up. He sparked his palms. A long shadow stretched before him. Hades followed it upwards, watching it grow darker and darker, until he saw its owner. 

She had skin like the moon, all deep craters and scars that drifted into open wounds, one hand dragging what looked like an organ behind her while the other seemed to have been torn off. Bright, white bone stuck out of her exposed muscles. She could charitably be described as a zombie. She could uncharitably be described as a disaster.

Hades’ pupils dilated and his mouth parted, just a little. She was naked, for goodness sakes. 

But despite all that, despite the injuries and hollows in her form- heck, despite how  _ alien  _ she was, all grey and silver like a tombstone...That blood was fresh. Each splat of her feet against the rocks felt like a heartbeat colliding with his own- well, if he had one. 

This one, deep in his realm, was  _ alive. _

Hades pushed his jaw up and slicked back his fire, sparking it so that it sat up as though he’d poured fresh fuel on it. He swept up, smoke billowing, and began to glide over to her. He swayed his hips and said, “hey baby, what’s a ghoul like you doing in a place like this?” 

The woman stopped. She turned her head to him and stared, slumped over even though her eye was wide. It reminded him of an animal, caught in the headlights. There was silence.

Hades coughed. “So, uh, you’re….not usually the type of dame I see down here. Ya visiting family?”

She blinked. 

Hades laughed, flicking his eyes to and fro as though someone would bless him with a release from the awkwardness. It hadn’t been that long since he’d flirted with a woman successfully, had it? Usually they loved his lines. Or at least they sassed him back. 

A Meg-shaped hole in his heart became a little deeper. At least she didn’t leave him hanging. Still, the woman hadn’t left, that was a start. So maybe she just couldn’t talk- maybe she didn’t speak Greek? Hades cleared his throat and tried again. 

_ “Rao, oui kad sa?” _

Nothing. She blinked again. 

He signed,  _ hello? You understand anything? _

That earned him a twitch of the eyebrow. The woman dropped her guts and they landed with a heavy splat. She lifted her hand and closed it to a fist, moving it up and down.

_ Yes. _

Hades beamed. 

_ Can you talk? _

_ Yes.  _

_ I mean, vocally? _

_ Yes. _

_ Why won’t you?  _

She scowled at the question and retrieved her guts again. She began to walk. 

“H-hey, hey! Wait!” He flashed in front of her in a plume of smoke, “Sorry, sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Not meaning to pry, ya see, it’s just...you only get stiffs down here. You…” He gestured at her, from the tips of her possibly rotting toes to the crown of her head, “are interesting.”

Her face went blank. She made to push past him. 

Rude, thought Hades. “Can you at least introduce yourself?” 

The woman paused. She bent her arm back until the bones pressed against her skin like broken poles pushing against a taut sail. Her fingers twitched, arteries and veins bulging. Hades had to squint at the signs, lost to time. He laughed a little, twitching his hands. 

“Er. You got a nickname? Sorry, but that sorta name is a little before my time…”

She turned around, slow and deliberate, a god that had been forgotten by the world but never forgot herself. She stepped towards him, each footfall leaving a patch of blood on the cold, stone floors and Hades felt his fires fading. This wasn’t a human to jerk it to. This wasn’t anything that could truly be called alive, or even properly divine and yet...Somehow, that made him want to touch her even more. Zeus had never even touched something like her before. In all likelihood, he may have been the first. 

She was close enough to touch her hand, held up high and clear. She moved and he was so distracted by the visceral clicks and schluks her bones made that he barely noticed what she was spelling. 

It was a name, familiar like an old song long forgotten. He smiled as she left. 

Now he just had to remember what it was. 

She’d left, after that. He didn’t know what she was doing, but good grief, it was supremely hard to care. There was an honest to god- well, something  _ beyond  _ a god, really- in  _ his _ zone. Zeus couldn’t touch her! Couldn’t try to put his mitts all over a hot dame, not like he did with every other woman (and at least half the men) in Hades’ life. And this time, because she wasn’t some tragic woman crying for help, Wonderboy was pretty unlikely to come a-hunting. Now all Hades needed to do was find his groove again, get some smooth lines and bang! He’d be in it to win it. Quality mattered so much more than quantity, after all. 

Hades rubbed his hands together, a grin splitting his face. The grin dropped as soon as he saw another looming shadow before him. 

Maleficent was kind of corpsey herself, really. Green skin, cheekbones like sharp rocks on a cliff and a pair of eyebrows to match. Heck, Hades had entertained the thought of asking her for seven minutes in the Underworld, though a level of professionalism stopped him. Maleficent had a presence that, while not quite godly, was stately enough that she demanded a degree of respect just by  _ being _ . Made it a little hard to flirt. Besides, she was all business, all the time. 

Like now. She was staring at him, lips pressed into a thin, red line on her face, eyes heavy with displeasure. Hades slumped over. Oh boy. 

“You didn’t show up to our gathering today.” 

_ Oh boy. _

“Yeah, what of it? I’m a god. I got things to do if I don’t want the wrong kind of attention to come calling.”

“That may be true, and I would accept the excuse, if not for the fact that we arranged this quite some time ago. Is it not more likely that you forgot? Wrapped up in your own machinations?”

Hades froze, pinned in place by her steady gaze. Shit. She couldn’t know, could she? Maleficent  _ couldn’t  _ have caught up on the gossip that quickly. Who would have told her, anyway? The skittering little heartless? Pain, Panic? That  _ bird? _

He cleared his throat and put his best honey-coated smile on his face. “Haha, you got me. Tournament’s to plan, souls to torment, I just completely lost track of time! So, what did I miss? Ego stroking? Comments about our spiky new target?”

Maleficent’s face was like a statue carved by a desperate sculptor, eternally unamused. 

“The boy is heading to your world. With all your mischief, I’m certain you’ll be able to deal with a ‘spiky target’.”

“Don’t worry about it! He’ll be a splat on the ground before you know it.”

“That was not the plan.”

“Jeez, grow a sense of humour.”

“Hmph.” Maleficent turned to leave, billowing darkness rising up to meet her. “I have people to meet with. Do not let us down.”

Hades waved her away. She vanished. He called out, “Pain! Panic!” and listened for their skittering claws as they stumbled over each other, desperate to please. 

“You two,” he said, “you’re gonna let me know as  _ soon _ as any little mouthbreathers come down here. Spiky brats, wonderboy, even Maleficent, alright?”

“Y-yes boss!”

“Great. Remember,  _ no one _ comes or goes through here without my knowledge. So you two better be on your toes! Because I,” he said, flicking through his fire with his hands once more, “Have a hot date.” 

Pain and Panic looked at each other. 

“Really?” 

“Yes, really! Why’s it so hard to believe that someone might want to willingly spend time with someone as handsome as me, huh?!” 

There was a sort of shake in their eyes as Pain wringed his hands together and Panic said, “well, it’s just, there’s no one but dead folks around here and they’re kind of…. _ obliged... _ to obey you-”

Hades didn’t hear the rest, because he erupted. The flames rushed along the ground like the tide chasing the shore, leaving thick soot in its path. The little devils screamed, backed up against a wall as the fire came closer and closer. Hades roared, lit up like a furnace and just as loud. 

“And what do  _ you two _ know about who’s down here?  _ You  _ aren’t the ones pulling the dead from the mortal realms! You aren’t the ones constantly hearing the gods up on their mountain living it up!”

Pain and Panic were still screaming. They were also on fire. The sound made Hades heart feel a little bit lighter, though the sound seemed to have attracted tiny skittering company. The heartless. They usually didn’t come too close to him. Maybe they wanted to eat. 

His rage was sated. He grinned. 

“Knock yourselves out, little guys.” 

He whistled as he walked through the caverns. The noises no longer felt quite so mocking, now that he knew there was something down here Zeus could never take hold of. It was shaping up to be a better year than last. Now all he needed was for a sudden accident to happen to Wonderboy. 

 

Still, Hercules hadn’t been about for a while. There was nothing to prove himself against now. All Hades’ monsters were licking their wounds elsewhere, whimpering at the mere thought of fighting again. His good mood dropped a little, but it picked up again as he saw a flash of silver turning the corner. Too distant to hear any splats though- but perhaps she’d had time to heal up. He’d recovered from a few bad scrapes in less time, it was a perk of being divine. Besides, if she were still alive with her guts all hanging out, she was sure to be alive after a night. There was a point where you had to assume people were going to keep going no matter what the odds. 

Hades himself was one of those people. Zeus had said so enough times. It made him grin as he sauntered towards the figure, thinking of a line to use. It had to be smooth. Charming. Like a finely made ice sculpture. 

 

“Hey babe, is your blood flammable? Because you are smoking.”

 

_ “ _ Excuse me?” 

 

Shit. Hades backed off a little and saw that, now he had his eyes totally open, it was not a beautiful naked woman. The hair was similar, sure, but the gaze was arrogant and voice deep. Also, the fact that there was a voice. Hades cringed a little as he turned around. 

 

It wasn’t the woman. And to be honest, he wouldn’t have minded getting in the sack with the fellow he’d just mistaken for her but….but….

 

It was Sephiroth, a mysterious guy from somewhere or other, and he was  _ weird.  _ Not weird in a kinky way either (well, maybe), but more weird in a ‘probably hiding a past as a serial killer come sex pest’ way. He was always wearing leather, tended to purr during battles, and was absolutely obsessed about some chocobo-haired blond guy that showed up and moped around now and then. 

 

Hades gave a short laugh and moved back. He could take Sephiroth in a fight. And even if he couldn’t, it wasn’t as though he wouldn’t respawn days later. 

 

“Whoops, sorry ‘bout that, I thought you were someone else…” 

 

Sephiroth gave him a long and hard stare. It may have been attractive if it weren’t attached to such a weirdo. 

 

“Hahaha...Well, I better go, see you at the next tournament-”

 

“Wait. You. Smell familiar…”

 

And that was quite enough weirdness for one day. Hades forced out a laugh, squawked, “I hope so, we’ve met before!” and vanished before tall, dark and crazy could start waxing poetic about his oedipus complex or something. Hades sighed with relief as he re-emerged elsewhere. Why were there so many creeps in his world? 

 

He pushed off the wall and set about trying to work out where he was. That was the issue with panic movement; it was a potluck where anyone could end up. More than once he’d zipped in on Zeus’ sexlife. He shuddered at the thought. 

 

Carefully, Hades began to glide through the place. There were torches along the wall, and they hit some crumbling bricks to make intricate shadow patterns. Outside, he could hear a spatter of rain. It smelt of dust, with just a smidgen of rot and a sprinkling of old books on the edges of it. He knew this place. 

 

Maleficent’s castle, typical. She’d be furious if she found him creeping. It’d be better to return home now. 

 

But he really didn’t fancy being hounded by Sephiroth. Better to wait for the object of obsession to return, and then he could go home peacefully. He’d just have to be careful. Satisfied, Hades set about hiding in the shadows and finding something to stalk. 

 

Maleficent really did have a flair for atmosphere. The whole castle felt dismal as an overcast day, with deep shadows hiding any number of monsters. The corridors were deserted; no servants rushing to tend to their mistress, and a healthy number of cobwebs filled every corner. Bats chittered at him. There was the gentle clink of goblins below. 

 

It was soothing, in a way. The Underworld was always full of groaning and moaning and distant roars; screams of the damned bouncing off the walls and dragging dread from even the hardiest hearts. In here, it was more like...discomfort. Building slow and sure. He’d have to consider putting some of this atmosphere into the Underworld. 

 

Lost in thought, he hardly noticed how the flickering sound of torches turned into a distant murmur. It became louder and louder, and it was only once it stopped entirely that he realised he had walked in on something. Someone. 

 

Maleficent, sitting with a young boy, watching him with one eyebrow raised. “Hades,” she said, “what a pleasant surprise. Have you come bearing gifts to apologise?” 

 

The boy was watching him with a frown, hands tight like he wanted to grasp a weapon for defence. She took his hands, which made his frown deepen, but at least he wasn’t twitching anymore. He pulled away and folded his arms. Maleficent smiled at him, as though she’d taught a dog a new trick. 

 

“Well, Hades?”

 

He sighed and put on his best smile again. “Nah, nothing urgent, just a bunch of freaks down below that are giving me headaches. I thought they might need a bit of horror to perk ‘em up, you know. But I can’t trust Double Trouble with that. They don’t get the subtleties of torment and atmosphere. Not like your digs.” Hades sauntered forwards and flopped into a chair, throwing his arm around the boy. “So who’s this? I don’t think we’ve met. You look like one of the stiffest stiffs down below, kid-”

 

“Get off me!” The kid shoved him, not that it did much good. All it really seemed to do was burn his hands, and he hissed, snarling at Hades. It was kind of cute, watching his face twist up like that. More emotion than anyone had down below. He kept his arm around him, just to see what would happen. It’d be easy enough to ignore the shifting, anyway.

 

“But yeah, like I say, the Underworld’s looking pretty grim. Not at all what a guy like me needs to keep with the times. How’re you meant to impress the ladies when you’re throwing the same old stuff out, am I right?”

 

Maleficent sighed. “Presentation cannot be that important to you.” 

 

“Hey, I have an appearance to maintain. Not all of us can just fwoosh into a party and curse people, y’know.” 

 

“Quite.”

 

“And you’ve got such a sense of style.”

 

“Flattery will get you nowhere.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m being completely sin-OUCH!” 

 

Hades rubbed his side. The kid glared, and jabbed an elbow into his ribs again. Maleficent covered her mouth with her hand while her crow cawed at him. He felt his fire flickering.

 

“I told you to get off!” 

 

“Jeez, chill out kid. There’s no need for violence or interrupting the adults. What, you never heard the thing they say- children should be seen and not heard?”

 

“Ever heard that you’re a-”

 

Maleficent tapped her staff down and they both paused. “I had meant to introduce you in a more formal situation, but I suppose now is a good as time as any. Hades, this is Riku. I am helping him find his friends in return for his services. Riku, this is Hades, Lord of the Underworld. And interior design enthusiast, as we have learnt today.” 

 

The kid had stopped elbowing him, at least. Sure, he might’ve been less than half his height, but he had all the teenage lankiness coming through. It was like hitting himself on a doorknob, assuming the kid got a good shot in. Little brat. 

 

“What, we can’t have social calls? And you could’ve at least let me work my magic. Then this little ball of sunshine might’ve warmed up to me.” 

 

“You’re a real creep, do you know that?”

 

“Quiet, kid, the grown ups are talking.”

 

Maleficent lifted her hand to her mouth again. The crow continued to caw. “Yes, well, if you’re wanting to...make a better impression, perhaps you two should spend some time together. I have been meaning to send him out scouting.” She nodded towards Riku. “You would be able to go further afield in your search. Providing you stick to terms, of course.” 

 

He scowled again, but this time it was a gentler one, mitigated by a history of chiding, Hades imagined. Maleficent tugged him away from Hades, and Riku stayed at her side with a sour face. It really was like watching a dog. 

 

“And perhaps,” she continued, “he can remind you to show up to these meetings. On time.” 

 

It was Hades’ turn to pull a face. Maleficent was smiling at him softly, though it hardly reached her eyes. Riku watched her with a curious expression. 

 

“Maleficent, really, I don’t think I can deal with a kid for  _ any _ degree of time! I got an aesthetic to maintain, and shorty over there ain’t it. He’s too….squishy. Baby-faced. Really cramping my style with the big eyes and stupid hair!”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Sorry kid, it’s only the truth! I can’t be having a kid around, I’m a very- uh- busy guy- got folks to torment! Mischief to make! Ladies to-”

 

He slapped his hands over his mouth. Maleficent swept her eyebrows up, though the corners of her mouth twitched upwards enough to warrant a warning. The kid switched his gaze to Hades, slowly, as the implication dawned on him. 

 

“Well,” said Maleficent, “I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful influence then, won’t you? Teaching him all about time management of your job and personal life. Should I prepare a bouquet?”

 

Hades sputtered, and with all the grace and dignity of a man that wanted to be balls deep in a cosmic horror to one-up his brother, vanished. 

 

To  _ hell _ with that. Hades arrived back in his throne room, ignoring the squeaking heartless and only half-there bodies that were once Pain and Panic. He’d bring them back later. When he stopped flushing and and groaning. Damn his talking. Damn his everything. 

 

Especially damn Maleficent and her new pet. He would be lumbered with babysitting just so she could have a spy around and make sure he stayed on task. As if he were a teenager that needed to study. Hades draped himself over his throne, face in his hands, and groaned. He needed ice cream. Wine. Maybe Dionysius would be willing to spare a barrel or seven. 

 

He waved his hand and the two little monsters reformed. They moved as though they were drunk, freshly resurrected and not yet used to being alive. He was told it was unpleasant. 

 

“You two better have at  _ least _ a barrel of the best wine in Greece for me when I get back!”

 

“B-boss?” 

 

“Or there will be  _ consequences _ .” 

 

He flounced off. They would get it and he’d be happy and drunk, probably drunk enough to kill the kid on a whim. Or, they would fail miserably and he’d have an excuse to rampage through the countryside, maybe even through other worlds. Not that it wouldn’t catch attention, but he was sulking and god damn it, no one made the lord of the Underworld sulk without the whole world knowing about it. If Zeus had his storms of carnal lust, then Hades could have temper tantrums about looking after children. He didn’t even tend to produce children. None that he remembered, anyway. 

 

It wasn’t fair. Zeus could fuck his way through the country and he was still lauded as the highest of the high. Not even just in power, but in  _ morals?  _ That was insulting. Hades couldn’t even insinuate he wanted to talk to a woman without someone getting up his ass about it. Why did he have to let it slip? 

 

And to be totally honest, why did Maleficent even  _ care _ ? 

 

Hades stalked through the caverns until his temper began to abate. He’d have to put up with the kid, one way or another. Better to just vanish until he got bored, as teens were wont to do. Let Maleficent deal with playing parent. The kid would never find him down here, and if he chose to look...well, he wouldn’t have to deal with whatever hare-brained spying plan Maleficent was planning to put on him. She might get bored herself, or someone would show some more treasonous colours. She could put her attack dog to use elsewhere. 

 

He wondered where that monstrous woman was. Maybe she’d slipped into the river of souls. Maybe a heartless had her. 

 

Or maybe, she’d been offended at his conduct. And if that were the case, he sincerely doubted she would show herself again. 

 

A feeling bubbled up in his gut like a geyser preparing to blow. He didn’t feel it very often, not like this- anger tended to broil over fast. Sadness was foreign to him. Hades screamed into his hand.

 

Guilt. He felt  _ guilty _ . He had a chance to make a genuine connection with someone that had no preconceptions about him, and he ruined it. And for what? One-upping Zeus? 

 

He groaned again. He was doing that a lot, recently. He felt something warm hovering near him, and uncovered his face to see big, bright eyes frowning at him. Of course. Of course the damn kid would have some sort of tracker nose. 

 

“You’re like a dang pooch, do you know that?” He grumbled. “What, did Maleficent want to make sure I didn’t slide into despair that I told her I might’ve had a lady friend? That I might die of embarrassment? That I would turn into a listless husk as I slowly lost all will to continue because you and Miss ‘too good for this’ Maleficent were tittering behind my back?!”

 

Riku didn’t look impressed. 

 

“Oh come on, the least you could do is have the decency to be a little afraid. Kid, you’re really starting to make me feel out of touch.” 

 

That made the kid smile, if only a little. He dropped his shoulders from the tense stance and shrugged. “You don’t scare me. You’re kinda weird.”

 

Great. The little brat was one of  _ those _ types. 

 

“Yeah? Well I could throw you into an endless river that would sap all life from you, and you wouldn’t see anything but endless screaming souls and me, for eternity. How’s that for scary?” 

 

“Not as bad as the old stories they used to tell us on the island.”

 

“I could actually do it to you though.”

 

“Maleficent would kill you.”

 

“You think she’s tougher than me?!”

 

“You’re the one that ran away from her because you let slip you’ve got a crush on some lady.” 

 

“Ugh. You’re a sassy brat, know that?”

“Captain Hook said the same thing.” Riku turned his attention to the caverns. “So what’s with all the caves and dripping? Atmosphere? Can’t be bothered to do it up? Where is this lady, anyway?” 

 

“Oh my god, shut  _ up _ .” 

 

Riku had stopped frowning entirely. Now, he was grinning, like a cat that had found the entire basket of food and dug its way in. Hades rubbed his temples. “Considering Maleficent has had you, I thought she would have taught you some sort of respect.”

 

“She tried.”

 

“Hmph. Brat.” 

 

Riku opened his mouth, but whatever he was going to say was cut off by the most ear-piercing scream either of them had heard. Hades clapped his hands over his ears, but Riku was hunched over, teeth gritted from the sound alone. It bounced on the walls, a one-person orchestra of pure pain. Hades grabbed him in the sleeves of his toga, and oh god, it was even worse without the barrier. It was like someone hammering nails into his ears, from every possible direction. He pulled the kid along and with a puff of smoke, dragged him into a teleport. They landed in the throne room. It was even louder, to the point where the thick drips on the wall vibrated with each pulse of the scream. 

 

Riku might’ve been screaming. It was impossible to tell with the noise. Thoughts raced through Hades’ head; he needed to find the source, he needed to get the kid out of here, he needed to put whatever it was  _ in its place _ -

 

There was a lull in the noise, almost impossible to notice at first as the echoes scored an encore. But eventually, there was nothing but the ringing in his ears, laboured breathing, and some faint screaming. 

 

_ Help, help! _

 

_ Boss, help! _

 

The idiots. They went to get wine, and they found something worse. He gritted his teeth.

 

This wasn’t a minor insult, some teasing from an ally. The only person who was allowed to make  _ his  _ minions scream was  _ him _ . 

 

He heated up. He prised Riku’s hands away from his ears and loomed. “Listen up,” he hissed, ignoring the way the boy winced, “get Maleficent, and don’t you dare come back without her. If you’re off balance, stay behind.  _ Do not take this lightly. _ ”

 

There was no sass this time. Hades pushed him into a portal, not particularly concerned what effects it may have had. There’d be time to argue with Maleficent later. 

Hades roared and pulled souls from the ground, sending them to scout. Anything they found, they were to report. Regardless of how dangerous it looked. 

 

He was a god. The souls flew back in record time, each reporting nothing below the ground. Occasionally, the screams would come, but they couldn’t be traced in the Underworld. 

 

It was something up there. Something Zeus should be dealing with. 

 

Hades decided he didn’t care. He dropped the souls and ascended to the surface. 

  
  


It had been a while since he’d felt the sun. It poked through the cloud cover like tiny oases in the middle of a cold winter’s day. Hades glided across the land, grass shifting, as he traced the screams. It wasn’t hard. Not so much from the noise, but because from the same direction, it seemed like the eye of a storm was forming. Great. More things to worry about. 

 

Fuck it. Zeus could chew him out all he liked later. Whatever was out there messed with  _ his _ world, and damned if Zeus was gonna have all the fun. Thunder rumbled. Hades stomach dropped. 

 

He really, really hoped that Zeus was not trying to do what he thought Zeus was trying to do. There was a time and a place for flinging his meat wildly and that place was not when some little upstart was trying to get in his territory. He growled and sped up.

 

The eye of the storm was amid some olives, recently struck by lightning. There was an offering for Zeus, high quality oil, left by the door. Hades snorted and knocked it over. It spilt across the floor like an off-gold sea, rushing to greet the earth. 

 

Hades stopped. Zeus had his back to him, godly glow especially bright and shiny, hands on his hips. No doubt there was a smirk on his face, from the voice. 

 

“Well hey there, honey,” Hades rolled his eyes, “I didn’t think we’d ever have the honour of seeing someone like you here- and you even slayed some of those annoying monsters!” Zeus chuckled as Hades clenched his fists. His brother hadn’t even noticed he was there. “Sorry to say that they just come back though. My brother is quite desperate for company at the best of times. He can’t show you a good time though. I can’t imagine how he’d flirt with you!” 

 

Zeus sauntered forwards, hands dropping down on whatever he was talking to. Hades had a sneaking suspicion of what it was. 

 

Or rather, who it was. 

 

“So what do you say I show you a real divine time? Imagine these hands somewhere a little more intimate-”

Zeus stopped. The storm dissipated. He dropped.

 

No longer eclipsed by Zeus’ bulk, he could see a familiar figure. She was surprisingly tall, really, only short due to his own height. Her organs were back inside, presumably, because her stomach bulged in odd places, like a person inside was pushing out for help. There were ugly stitches up the front. 

 

She had two arms now. Her mouth was covered in blood. 

 

Hades stepped forwards, close as he dared, until he towered over the woman. He signed. 

 

_ That’s my brother. _

 

_ Yes. _

 

_ What did you do to him? _

 

No response. She still didn’t deign to use more than one hand for him. 

 

_ I don’t care, really. But I reckon you’ve been pushing onto my turf. Why? _

 

She stared at him, for just a moment, and then her face seemed to crack. Instead of the usual statue smooth expression, there was a real flicker of life as she scrunched her nose and stepped back. No signs in return though. Hades frowned. 

 

_ What, you’re too good to talk to me? You just knocked down a god. You nearly deafened me. I’m pretty sure you  _ ate _ my property.  _

 

She stepped back again, but this time he didn’t let her run. Hades stepped into her space, grabbed her arm, and yanked her up. He snarled, fire cascading around him like a waterfall breaking free of winter’s ice.

 

“ _ How dare you ignore me!” _

 

Something very odd happened in that moment, something Hades did not expect. He knew, certainly, that he was dealing with a monster. He even knew that she was something beyond a monster, inhuman and eternal like a cancer that could not be stopped. 

 

He did not expect her to twist her arm so that the bones grinded against each other, and slip straight out of his grasp. The stitches on her split and she opened like a gruesome present, guts churning as her spoils spilt from her guts. An arm. A leg. Crystals and gold. She hacked up blood, thick and black as storm clouds, and watched him. Her arm crunched as it rearranged itself, and the skin on her back flared up. She looked like an angel, preparing to raze the earth. 

 

Hades growled, and flung fire at her. Those wings were not for show though, and she slipped out of the way. She dove at him, slamming straight into his sternum. He winced and grabbed her, tight, and lit up. She was swallowed in fire. 

 

Screaming. Sobbing. Laughing. 

 

_ Laughing. _ She stared down at him, face half melting, but all her teeth on display. She dug her hands deep into his arms, thumbs breaking his skin and she pushed her face even closer. A living, eternal corpse, alight with his anger and frightfully  _ alive _ . 

 

_ Hot _ . He flushed. 

 

Her breath stank of decay when she spoke, breathing a thousand impossible sounds into his fire.

 

“That’s  _ much _ better than your last pick up line.”

 

His fire burnt out. His jaw dropped.

 

“ _ What.” _

 

“You heard me,” she said, “That’s much better than your last  _ pick-up  _ line.” 

 

She waggled her eyebrow at him, face split with a bright grin, and at least partially melted. 

 

Hades started to laugh. He laughed as he set her down and he laughed as the familiar swoosh of dark portals rang in his ears. Maleficent rushed from behind. 

 

“Hades, what on earth are you...doing…” She trailed off, staring at the display. “Is...is that your lady friend?” 

 

The woman waved at Maleficent. Maleficent flicked her gaze between them and shook her head. 

 

“I. Honestly, Hades. This is what you were fussing around with? Terrible.” 

 

The woman laughed a little. Maleficent sighed and walked over to her, hand held out, “A pleasure to meet you. I trust you can keep Hades on time, Miss..?”

 

She shook her hand first, before pulling away slightly and returning to signing. This time Hades was paying attention as she spelt out her name, the same simple form she gave him the first time. 

 

_ J-E-N-O-V-A _

 

The world went still. He’d heard that name before. A crystal eating world killer that vanished years ago…

 

And apparently, smoking hot sadomasochist. Hades grinned and bent down to her height. 

 

“So, if smokin’ is your thing, how about some fun?”

 

Jenova laughed, and took his arm. Zeus continued to be on the floor, dead to the world. 

 

Eh. Hera would get him, eventually. 

  
  


Hades was happy. He whistled through the Underworld, completely ignoring Pain and Panic’s pleas for mercy after screwing up his wine order. He couldn’t care. Hades felt sated, with a regular bootycall, and one that  _ hated  _ Zeus! Alright, she liked to try and eat him alive while they were fucking, but everyone had flaws. And it wasn’t as if he couldn’t come back…

 

He hardly cared when he crashed into Sephiroth again. The man looked at him like he’d just seen a revelation too horrifying to be true. 

He took a step back and drew his stupidly long sword. 

 

“Why do you smell like Mother?” 

 

Hades paused. Silver hair. The creepy eyes. That disquieting stare. 

 

The leather. 

 

_ Shit.  _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Do you ever get an idea that just fuckin' explodes into a horrible thing you never should have brought into existence but did anyway? That's what this is. My tooth chipped off the day after I finished it.


End file.
